Saturday End

Not much new here. Literally.

Big news is that I got my bike 'fixed' with a minimal exchange of words. I think the dude said five words total. All in all, he just made me empty air out of the tire to make it stop rubbing against the fender. Now, I'm no bike genius but seriously. Anyway, my bike is back to the same amount of sound excretion as it was before the accident.

Today I went into the city and almost got myself locked up in the town library. I heard a big bell ring at 2pm but I paid it no mind. While reading the shelves, my security sensor inside my brain went off. I heard absolutely no SOUND coming from anywhere else in the library. I scuttled down the stairs and literally ran out the door before being locked in - I think I surprised the brownness outa a few of the employees. Yes, I am quiet but No, I don't want to spend the day and night in your library. Although... it probably wouldn't have effected my life very much.

I spent time wandering around, looking at a few Saturday markets (Swedish crap looks EXACTLY like American crap), got some ice cream, tried to get dinner (before the ice cream!) but every restaurant I went to was either closed or the people were on holiday. GAH! Granted, I was going for the obscure restaurants: Japanese and Indian. Ah well. Ice cream serves as well as any other somewhat nourishing meal. I read beside the river, watched fish, you know - normal things.

All in all, being in a city again - mingling with people just reminds me that I still have a bunch of unnecessary fears. Fear of looking people in the eye, fear of going into strange places, afraid of being approached. It comes in waves, these fears. Sometimes I don't give a hoot what's happening around me or where I am. Today I just felt like crawling under a rock, I felt so alone. Really, the only alien on the planet. Am I suitable for normal human interactions?

These past few days and particularly this evening as I received a call from my other that he's not coming to see me today, has revealed several things to me about myself.

1. When left with only one person to depend on for all modes of interaction, I become excessively dependent on that person. Cripplingly so. So much so that, it hurts us both.

2. I'm not really happy if I don't have an occupation, a goal. It's hard for me to sit around here with nothing to do, no one to talk to. I have no ambition so I become really listless and despondent - relying, ironically, even harder on my other. It's a cruel cycle. I feel useless and wasteful.

3. All the dark shadows of my mind come out of the wood work. The past fades away and the interminable (yet oh-so delicate) future loooooms over my wandering thoughts.

People say 'grasp the day', 'live up the experience', 'travel, get out and do something.' Hah, I scornfully think, as I sniffle back a wretched tear. I'm just trying to get through one moment at a time. But before I know it, all the time is gone and my hands are empty of the golden sand. It's HARD. The first conversation I had of the day, where I used my mouth, was a sad 45 seconds where I learned that I was to be alone for longer.

When I was little, I remember singing along to the radio at my grandfather's shop. My brother immediately complained to my parents: 'make her stop, she sounds awful!' Ever since then, I've never been impressed with my voice, by my voice, or ever convinced that it was anything pleasant (disgustingly impressionable, yup). I've just ignored it and never gave it much exercise, even in the shower. Not my best quality and all. It stays bottled up here, though.

Alright, alright! This is just an expulsion of me voicing how lonely I am. Even I can tell that this is pitiful. But it has to come out. Frankly, this is one of the very few places where I get to use my voice.

Love from Sweden.

Gosh, I should start my own radio show: Sleepless in Sweden. It could be a movie! ;) Got it?